Getting to the core of unworthiness

Julie was a client that was constantly looking at her actions and behaviours, and she expressed that it felt like there was no way out.  Her issue seemed to be like an onion with layer after layer of content and drama. But she loved that every new descending layer she entered enabled her to develop a new tool to assist in dealing with life. However, Julie was still being triggered into old behavioural patterns, feeling invisible, ignored, worthless, and the disempowered younger self from her childhood was still acting out, operative from emotions she didn’t understand nor could articulate the feeling at the time of the triggers.  The victim was a handy payoff for some time, however it got to a point where Julie’s level of wellness was sliding, and she couldn’t continue living like this.  It became clear for her that the outside world wasn’t going to change, but not through a lack of trying. For years her personality had tried to control others. She knew she hadn’t been able to change the inner quite enough so as to “master” any situation that suggested she might be worthless. She would react instead of respond.

 

It was during and following soul-focused psychotherapy session, when Julie entered deeper realms within her where the answers were waiting.  Julie was “ripe”.  Her karma had broken to the degree she was allowed to see into the “core” of the problem around worthlessness. I asked her to close her eyes and go into the worst of the sensations. She felt like she was stuck inside a washing machine.  But from inside the issue Julie was now able to watch and understand the dynamics that unfolded.  “I discovered by just watching what was presented from my inner world that I was reliving my childhood emotions within my current family (partner and child), wanting them to change so that I could feel better, so that I didn’t have to feel the memories of my own childhood.  I was putting myself under constant pressure by struggling to force our family to be something that it wasn’t. If it could just be what my childhood family wasn’t, then we could feel ok.  I discovered it doesn’t work like that.  There was a deep core lesson to be learned, one I didn’t learn as a child, and so the universe had delivered the perfect situation for it to play out again, only this time, I could learn to navigate through the challenges. As a young child, I couldn’t leave my family, nor did I feel empowered enough to say things that needed to be said.  As an adult, it would have been very easy to leave the current situation, however there was a knowing that this pattern will continue to play out in relationships until I have come through it.  So leaving may have been the easy quick fix, however, it would have delayed my development, only to be picked up again in another relationship down the track.” she later said.

 

Then it came time to look at the deep core issue, which was the feeling of being invisible, rejected, invalid, and not loved liked her other siblings.  Julie had personalised the dynamics of the nuclear family which is what most young children do until they are approximately seven years of age when a deeper sense of self begins to be established. The belief was being treated differently by her father and it was her fault somehow. She never thought from a father’s perspective about preferences or bias, just that it was her fault she wasn’t as favourably treated as her siblings. “I could see parts of us were running away from these feelings, these subconscious reminders of the feelings. I tried to create, through force, a “fairytale family” (one we wished and hoped was reality and that we missed out on as being ours as a child). This seemed to be my chance to create it now, only the other members of the family weren’t playing their roles.  I realised then, that trying to force the false family, created more suffering.  So I let go into the subconscious feelings from childhood, cried and shook and emptied them out in that session. I needed that deepest realisation to unlock the charge of the past. Now I am to learn a new way of being within the family, allowing the family, and all members to be themselves, including me, and watch and learn with wonder how each of us are different.  I had found the fantasy that I grew up sub-consciously wanting. I remembered I would escape into families in movies that resemble anything like my deep fantasy image. This would feel good and I would say “What a great movie that was!”, then return to my family and try to manipulate them to be like that! That’s not reality, and I now let go of that idea,” said Julie.

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